By Mark David Blum
When I left for the Fair at 7:30 yesterday morning, the outside temperatures were already 89 degrees and humid. I gambled on the sun staying behind the haze and thus making the day bearable. But alas, by 9:30 a.m., the sun was out in full glory and stayed out until 7:30 p.m. The only breeze felt all day came from the flapping of my lips.
If I tell you it was hot, I mean it was really really hot. Even Lucifer would have joined the chorus of whines about the heat. Once your internal body core temperature adjusts to the outside temps, then it is just a matter of being able to tolerate sweating. Oh, and avoid caffeine and drink water.
Apparently the heat took its toll both on attendance and upon the folks who were around. At the four o’clock concert, I spied an empty seat at a bench with a view of the stage and in the shade. Four adults sat on one side and a single child sat on the other. Walking up, I asked if the seat was available. The kid said “yes” and so I plopped my weary bones down for a rest.
At the moment, one of the gramma type women sitting in front of me turned to the boy and said, “Don’t be giving away my seat.” I responded that she had a seat but I would be happy to move over. This darling grandma, seated next to her husband and the parents of the boy sitting next to me said in no uncertain terms, “Fuck You.”
She got a “fuck you” right back but never turned her head to look at me. I looked at the boy and felt for him; having to be raised by such ignorant fucks and to be embarrassed in public by a cunt of a grandmother. He and I smiled and I chilled until the band started. I think it was the ‘Outlaws” and by their third lick on the geeetar, I realized it was going to be hillbilly toothless music and making a point about that and how the retard generation probably loves this group, I got up and made a point at walking away in disgust. Fuck you grandma.
When the heat and environment is as oppressive as it was, there are some secret places at the Fair in which you can hide. The Time Warner Building has great fans and air conditioning at work. I know this because I keep going in there, signing onto the internet, and leaving Rat Tales ’07 © open and visible to the public. If you are bored, it is a great prank and will help fund these tales.
I would like to thank the one woman water truck driver whose job it was to water down the roads at the Fair. I verily believe it was to reduce dust and clean and cool the roads. As she was headed in my direction and people were peeling off the road left and right, I stood my ground. I opened my arms wide and said to her, COME GET ME. Without hesitation, she drove right on by with the water on and I got a bath in non potable water from the chest on down. Now that’s a washin.
Finally, I have located the ultimate bathroom. No, not the psycho Charmin suicide watch potty. This is a real bathroom, neat and clean, and most importantly, no lines and heavy duty air conditioning. If you can answer the ultimate State Fair trivia question, I will provide you with the location of the super secret ultimate bathroom.
Here it is:
The Ultimate State Fair Trivia Question
Somewhere in a very public place on the fairgrounds ...
you will see a man standing up and dressed in white ...
you will see the man in white behind a second man ...
the second man is kneeling ...
the standing man in white has his penis hanging out ...
by the face of the kneeling man.
Where is it?
