By Mark David Blum

Since nobody ever listens to my suggestions, I am loathe to listen to the whining and end results of those who would chooseth to ignore my saged advice. That notwithstanding, after having the round and round debate at my house … about whether the kid should have a monthly bill with unlimited cellphone minutes, or the less expensive cricket on the pay as you go plan. Of course, I lost and my darling little one opted for pay as you go. Too bad she doesn’t have a drivers license or a regular income to be able to boost her phone when the minutes run out. I hate to say I told her so, but …

For the past couple months, she has been bugging me about a new cell phone and new monthly plan. I keep telling her as soon as she has a steady supply of income that covers her bill, I will help her get one. It is usually about that time, she storms off in a huff.

Today she was doing her usual song and dance as we drove out saying, “I hope we find a cell phone place at the Fair.” I could foresee already this day was going to go well.

It was not long before we crossed paths with a cell phone distributor. Right out front was a big sign that read: “Free Cell Phone with Contract.” “Bad Credit? No Credit? No Problem.” My personal favorite was, “Everybody Approved.”

I stopped and asked, “are you serious? A free cell phone with every contract and everybody is approved?”

“Yes Sir”, came the proud reply.

“So”, I began. “You are telling me that you will give my kid a cell phone if she signs a contract and there is no way I am going to be responsible for her bill?” The obviously ignorant and now scared shitless teenager hustling cell phones then made the classic mistake folks try with lawyers.

“You have to be 18 to get the deal.”

“Oreally”, came my immediate response. Having learned from a certain jerkoff carnie last year, I walked up to the booth and inquired, “show me where it says you have to be 18.”

“Ummmmmmmmm, it has to say it here somewhere.”

“Show me.”

Clearly, there was no such limiting language (or we would not have been having that conversation). Having almost scored the perfect prank (a 9.5 on the Templeton scale), an older wiser male voice from the back of the tent said it properly. “We can give her the phone and sign her to a contract, but it would be an illegal contract.”

“Duh”, and enjoy the Fair.