It is the first day of the Fair and I woke up like a child on Christmas morning. It took all I had to wait until at least the sun came up before I jumped on the road to the Fair.

Leaving the house, I was cursing and swearing … the temps were in the low 60’s, it was breezy, overcast and what is otherwise known as a beautiful Syracuse summer day. Normally, I would just stay indoors, but today is the Fair … and everybody knows that a lousy day at the Fair beats a good day anywhere else. Besides, once you passed downtown Syracuse, the sun was out and all was well in the world.

When I finally managed to squeeze and finagle my way inside the Fairgrounds, I parked in six or seven different spots until I was comfortable that I found one where I wouldn’t be noticed. I donned my Trust Me shirt and made my way into the grounds.

I love the smells and sounds of the Fair waking up. The food is just starting to be prepared, everything is clean, people are subdued, and all is quiet. Everybody mumbles good morning. Post Standard delivery folks are handing out free newspapers everywhere. It is the quiet before the storm.

I made my way to MILLER COURT (sorry but the court has changed names so many times that I am just sticking with Miller … just like Winston cup will always be Winston) and bought a cuppa coffee from the Post Standard booth. The kindly gentleman behind the cash register said it was the best coffee at the Fair. The jury is still out on that but it was a fairly good cup. When he told me it cost me more than $2.50, I understood how they could afford to give away free newspapers. I found a quiet bench facing the ugliest part of the Fair and let the morning sun defrost my bones. As I read the paper, I had to look at what has become the world’s largest outdoor car and spa sales lot. Half the fair grounds at the main entrance have been sold to Billy Fucillo and a multitude of spa companies. So, I turned around and faced the other way.

It was at that moment that I felt Jeff Kramer’s knife inch its way into my back. For all the good things I have done for him and all the hints I have given him and stories I have suggested, that no-good sonovabitch advertises in his column this morning that he is seeking Fair interns. Like, WTF Jeff? In that same article, those interested should email him. That would be a miracle at the Fair. Jeff had said he was going to be coming in to work at Buckets. I stopped by at 9:30 a.m. and asked what time Kramer was starting work. They said “10:00”. I waited until after 11:00 before I realized that he really is a fat lazy slob who couldn’t even get his butt out of bed to cover his own damn story. Hey Jeff … need Fair stories?

I have a Fair story. My youngest daughter finally became a man today. I got ambushed by the Mrs. and some friends and their kids and I spent the entire day playing tour guide and hostess to a bunch lost fairgoers. Now, my youngest daughter is a daredevil and has a strong heart and will face her fears. But I have never ever been able to get her to go on a fast or wild ride at the fair. I have offered bribes of every nature and type, I have threatened, taunted, teased, and begged. She always turned me down.

Ah, but I never tried peer pressure. Her friend is a big show off and dragged my kidlet from one ride to the next; each in increasing levels of fear factor. Then, they found themselves in line for the Terminator. This is not a ride for the faint of heart. I could see her fear but no way was she going to wimp out in front of her friend. Well, off they went and when it was over, the smiles and exhilaration that rushed out of her mouth made it all worthwhile. She immediately said, “I want to do that again.” Realizing what she had just said, she changed her mind quickly. Today, my little girl grew a set of balls and I am the proud papa.

If you came here looking for a review of the Fair; it can be summed up as Same-O, Same-O. There is nothing new at the Fair. No new rides, no new products, no new exhibits, no new foods (except allegedly for kangaroo meat). The Buck and Bum is gone. The bungee jump is gone. The midway cigar stand is gone. The Charmin bathroom is gone (praise the Lord -- will the Fair's suicide rate take a dramatic jump?). You can barely find one or two tattoo stands. Instead, you see multiple booths by the same company. The Buck and Bum may be gone but there are four different quality leather stands all owned by the same company with the main tent where the Buck and Bum once was. Fucillo is everywhere. It seems as though there are a handful of companies that have bought up multiple spots at different choke points at the fairgrounds and that is all there is. Towels … No, not Mr. Towel. That would be fun. Nope, this year the Fair has towels. Every doofus vendor is selling towels and each is the same and uglier than the other. Clearly, the new Fair Director did not want to take any risks or make any moves that would change anything about the Fair.

Instead of high divers this year, we get Xtreme Sports demonstrations; a skateboarder and a bicyclist. Clearly, what they do is difficult. But then again so is slamming my head in a car door. The question is … why? If you do manage to find them hidden back near Captain Jeff Brown’s fighter jet, you might enjoy the demonstration.

I did figure out how to solve the wine tent problem. You know that you cannot remove wine from the Wine Court and security will stop you. Hint: Buy your wine before noon. We did and managed to just walk right out. It was nice to be deep into a wine slushie while meandering about the fairgrounds instead of hanging out in the wine court with a bunch of drunks. You can buy beer every ten feet at the Fair but don’t you dare take your wine outside the designated area.

Thankfully, I did not witness the accident at the fairgrounds that hurt so many children. In fact, I did not even know about it until I came home and saw the news. (Walking around with wine?) Though thankfully nobody was seriously hurt or died, the streak is now three years. Three years ago on opening day, a guy was hit buy a train and knocked into the grandstands on the night before opening. Last year, someone was killed when a ride fell on a worker. Today, a handful of children were injured on opening day. What will it be next year?

The hell with next year, bring on tomorrow.