By Mark David Blum, Esq.
It is that time of year again when this evil hearted, child hating, Christian baiting, Jew volunteers his services on behalf of that fat man and his worldwide mission of bringing pleasure to Christian spawn. Specifically, children all over send in their wishes and prayers to the Great and Powerful Claus via U.S. mail and my local post office pawns it off on me. As usual, the children drew me pretty pictures, inquired about the Mrs. and the reindeer, and many even said how much they loved me.
The irony cannot be lost that responding to such dreams is the offspring of the killer of Christ. Being as busy as he is at this time of year, Santa calls upon some of us to step up and help him get his job done in time. Failure to make timely delivery results in Santa paying substantial late fees. Consequently, people like me were anointed with the privilege and honor of responding to these letters from children to Santa Claus.
Pick your jaws up off the floor. There is no contradiction to being a Jew and sharing the spirit of Christmas with others. I see no Christ in Christmas and neither should you.
Being an honorable man, I try and continue the illusion of Santa actually responding from the North Pole. I designed my own personal ‘from the Desk of Santa Claus’ stationary and letterhead and use it to I write a personal note to each child. In doing so, it is my hope that the magic and dreams that fuel Christian minds are continued at least another year. After all, lose your dreams and you have lost it all.
Not everybody is an honorable as am I. Thanks to a knucklehead somewhere, this year the post office made me sign a promise to behave. “Operation Santa” has been officially cancelled by the Post Office downstate because a registered sex offender signed up to do Santa. Because of that, the entire postal service went ummm, "postal" and cut off us good hearted Santa's from those who need us most.
As much fun and joy as I find in writing letters to children and doing my share to advance the spirit of Christmas, the dark and evil part of me taunts and teases me. You do not have to be a registered sex offender to pose a threat to a child. At the same time I write pleasant and age appropriate words to young impressionable minds, I could instead be totally evil and get revenge for more than 2,000 years of oppression.
America’s retailers got it all wrong this year. Nothing mentioned on any of the 30 something wish lists I reviewed matched a single item seen on television … except for the couple of children who wished for a Wii and one for an I Mac. Otherwise, it is legos, barbies, erasable pens, and my personal favorite, a hover board from the movie Back to the Future, II. Generally there is always in the back of my mind the fear that I am going to come across that one letter that rips out my heart. “Please Santa, help Daddy find a job and Mommy to stop taking so many pills.”
Fortunately, this year most things seem to be well in the world. There was one letter where a little girl had listed “a bed” on her list. Hopefully she meant a new bed and is not a child going without a bed at all in which to sleep. But, even if she was indeed without any bed at all, it would not be a moving request. Sleeping on the floor in no big deal; I did it for two years. So too did the baby Jesus sleep in a pile of hay in a barn surrounded by animals. If it was good enough for Him, it is good enough for a Cazenovia kid.
Some of the letters are absolute standouts. To the one addressed to “Mr. Santa Claus”; I had to drop everything and give him my primary attention. The kid sure knows how to suck up and will grow up Republican. Clearly an Alex P. Keaton in training; I don’t believe Santa needs such formality. But it never hurts to hurl the accolades. The kid should definitely look into law school.
Even smarter than the Mr. Claus kid was the one who actually sent money along with a wish list. Someone should tell that kid that his little gift messed up Santa’s taxes for the year and the last thing he needed was all the extra paperwork. Besides, the kid must be retarded to think that his 26 cents was enough to get Santa’s attention. Reindeer snot has a better chance. Listen boys and girls, if you want to bribe the Great and Powerful Claus, think lots more zeros. Rest assured he will be hearing from my accountant AND my lawyer.
Then there are the kids who think they can pull a fast one. This Santa found two letters sent by the same kid … on two different dates … did he really think I would not notice? Santa knows all and sees all. As much as I want to zap him a load of coal, Santa was more impressed with the primary item on the wish list. This kid twice begged me … ME, Santa … for a Hover Board as seen in the movie Back to the Future, II. Just who does he think he is? Nobody gets one of those for at least another 20 years; I don’t care how many times you ask. In fact, the more times he asks, the further back on the list his goes. Can you imagine if Santa actually granted that wish and gave this overly anxious kid a hover board? Since it would be the first one out there, Santa would not be able to keep it a secret any longer. Next year, Santa will be handing out hover boards to every whiney complaining kid out there. THAT is the last thing needed by Santa's aching back and overloaded sled.
One of the kids is perhaps a young Luke Skywalker or Eric Kleibold in training. Ordering the Legos Imperial Death Star Destroyer, Legos Starwars set for the Death Star, Legos starwars for Mac, Legos bricks, “5,000 Legos”, 40 clone Lego storm troopers, 40 Lego droids, 22 Lego light sabers, and Jaba’s Palace Boat. Sounds like this child is well on his way to a career in civil service given how he equips his forces like the former Secretary of Defense. (22 light sabers for 80 soldiers?). I also wonder if anybody has checked who this young Mr. Jamelski may have Lego bricked up in his cellar. “It puts the lotion on the skin ….”
Then there are the humble kids and the ones who draw Santa pretty pictures. Some kids share their lives and question Santa and his doings. One child went so far as to ask if it was true that animals can talk to each other on Christmas Eve. These are the kids who will be taking your orders at Burger King well into their retirement years.
You should know that I did confirm that animals can indeed talk on Xmas eve. I confessed how my reindeer are always yelling at me to quit taking bong hits for Jesus and get a job. But, as for talking animals; I read somewhere animals think that some of them are “better than others”. To me, so long as the meat is tenderized properly, I should be able to enjoy a tasty reindeer feast just before my long winter’s nap. As for bong hits and work … Working one day a year is more than enough. You try traveling at 5x the speed of light for 24 hours stop-go, stop-go, stop-go. See how long you keep off the bong and filing for unemployment.
I did receive a large envelope from an entire class from a local elementary school. Thirty something specific wishes were contained inside ranging from Barbie Dolls to Barbie Dolls. It was apparently a writing lesson and all the children selected ‘good’ or ‘very good’ as their description for the behavior the previous year. One identified the fact that he went to school every day as being his behavior. Good for all of them. The four blank pages in the school’s envelope still befuddle me, but perhaps I can use them for my own wish list. “Santa, I been good. Now, can I PLEASE HAVE next week’s winning lotto numbers?”
It was fun also to receive the letter from the lawyer-to-be. He spent half a page of typewritten text making his case how he was a good boy all year. Many examples of his good behavior were given including how he did not give his parents shit when they moved him here from another State. This fine young man in a most lawyeresque fashion, even offered Santa a compromise on his gifts.
Another child was far too involved in civics. Calling Santa's attention to the dying economy, the child understood Santa was not going to be as generous as normal. Santa got all ferklept and told the child that he should thank President Bush and that he, the boy would be getting a stick for Christmas. Santa learned this year that the stick was officially inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame. Every boy needs a stick. Santa uses the same rationale when he gives toilet paper for Christmas; everybody needs toilet paper.
Then there was the show-off letter. Written on stationary from the Beijing Olympics and accompanied by an actual Christmas card (note: Festive Holiday, not Merry Xmas), I was intrigued by this young world traveler. Given how precious would be stationary from Beijing from the Olympics as a collector’s item, using it as a letter to Santa made Santa all the more impressed.
One letter stood out because of what it didn’t say. The little girl’s letter started out, “Dear Santa, I don’t really know what I want for Christmas … can you get something I might like.” My response to her was simple. “Listen Darling, I am kinda busy right now and if you don’t know what you want, how am I supposed to know? Why would you write me a letter saying you want something but don’t know what? Jeezuz H Freekin Christ – make a decision, Bitch!”
Among my favorites of the whole bunch were the one with five squiggly pencil lines strewn across a piece of scrap paper and the one with all the detailed art work but no name or address. Santa knows (almost) everything and can easily read between the lines. Just don’t ask Santa to guess who sent the letter; there is so much for Santa to do to get ready that he hasn’t time to try and figure out which kid sent the letter.
Ultimately, I never get to say what I sometimes so ache to do. “Dear Billy, Santa is Dead. Jesus Killed him and the Jews Killed Jesus.” Likewise, I am tempted to tell kids they will get everything they ever wanted or dreamed of … all they have to do is go into Mommy’s purse, take the credit cards out her wallet, and call Santa with the numbers. You have no idea how many times Santa could have reached out and touched all these children in some very inappropriate ways. In one fell swoop, the damage this Jew could cause a generation of Christian offspring would last until April … when we need their blood to make our matzahs for Passover.
This thing I do every year is fun. It would be moreso if one or two children out there really believed that Santa is the naked guy hiding in the bushes outside the kid’s room at night and is going to sneak in and kill everybody in the house.
Good luck with your kids this holiday season. You are going to need it. Only two of the letters actually had requests for others beyond the scribe. There is a generation without empathy out there and I feel that is a dangerous thing. The kid who sent me a quarter and a penny will get his money back with Santa’s encouragement he use it to feed the poor and that he always find ways to give his spare money to the poor and hungry.
I warn you as I do everybody: Be careful what you wish for as your wishes may be granted.
Merry Ho Ho Ho