Cut and Paste Your Way to Prison

(Attention: No actual, imagined, or anything resembling children were harmed in the writing of this essay)

By Mark David Blum, Esq.

Forgive my ignorance and complete disconnect from society, but I am truly at a loss understanding why a volunteer Sunday school teacher is facing child pornography charges after investigators say he took photographs of young girls and pasted their faces to sexually explicit pictures of adult women. No child was harmed and no naked pictures of children were used. Only faces of children were taped onto photographs of naked adult women for personal use.

It is true I am an attorney and consider myself fairly well schooled on being a constitutional litigator. Indeed it was I who came oh so close to seven figures from a Federal jury in a local famous First Amendment case. Every day, I swirl about professionally in the world of crime and scum.

Yet, as low as that man with the scotch tape has sunk and as desperate as he has become for human contact, still his acts do not rise to the level of 'crime'; at least not to me.

What about you? How dark is your heart? How evil are your fantasies? Of what do you think about when you are alone and pondering your life situation? Where is that magic line you do not cross?

First of all, I need to say some things about children. I love children. Anybody who has known me at any point in my life knows how much I just love children. ‘Roasted’ is my favorite way. Children also make for great fishing bobbers and bait for shark fishing.

Nobody has to be told about how evil children are; the way they terrorize you throughout their lives. Impressive is their ability to suck the life force out of you (and every last penny in your wallet).

The very young ones freak me out the most. With their bald heads, shirtless bodies, endless wailing, and white bags of stinky crap strapped around their waist, the amount of damage they do is directly proportional the cost of the clothes you are wearing or the furniture you just purchased. As parents, you hold your breath for years waiting for your kid’s first words, and then you spend the next 16 years wishing they would just shut the hell up.

Make no mistake; I love my own kids. I have two beautiful daughters and two drippy nosed grandsons. Each of them is a spectacular gift to me from the Angels and Goddesses that watch over me. They each know I love them with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. Yet, each also knows well quickly I would trade them for a tank of gas and a pack of smokes. I am patiently awaiting the arrival of the white slavery caravan.

I am not alone in my dislike for children. Every comedian to ever hit a stage, every parent when in private discussion with friends, nearly every television show, movie, song, or book … at one time or another, contains therein references to doing some very horrible things to children. (Not that there is anything wrong with that).

The point is that adults talk about children all the time. We do not and should never be compelled to speak of children with reverence. I prefer ‘righteous indignation’ but that should never stop an adult for sharing how much they need to put their daughter to work on the streets to help pay for all those $600 pair of jeans she likes to wear.

NOBODY should go to prison for speaking out or using words which to a reasonable person would be so ridiculous as to be an obvious attempt at sarcasm or humor. ‘Funny’ is telling your kid that the whole family is moving to Iraq this summer because the new Iraqi constitution REQUIRES children to respect their parents and to support their parents in old age. It keeps my daughter on her toes.

I do not believe that in a free society, we should be imprisoning our citizens for their thoughts and fantasies; so long as the fantasies remain fantasies. Orwell’s ‘1984’ said it was the thought that was the crime. We are not quite there yet.

Should I expect a knock at the door from my local constable for modeling a mural on this website? What if I did some obscene but legal photoshopping?

In case some judge is about to sign a warrant, let me make it absolutely clear that I would never do anything to harm any child whatsoever! There is no justification for hurting a child. Why would anybody want to cause injury to a kid when instead it is so much safer to just cause a lifetime of emotional suffering? But, I should also state that I feel the same way about adults. As a class of persons, ‘children’ are no different than the rest of us.

I am loathe to believe that criminal activity is afoot for making a collage. Pretending to be staring at the naked picture of a 13 year old girl is not a crime. If it is, it should not be. First of all, being able to discuss and confront an immoral and illegal fantasy in the safety of one’s property perhaps provides the necessary release for the criminal minded that prevents them from actually engaging in the destructive behavior. Arguments to the contrary are just as sound

Second, because it is a fantasy, it is at the core of human dignity and privacy. How many husbands and wives play ‘Mommy’ and ‘Daddy’ in their bedroom conquests? In my opinion, you can rank the privacy of personal fantasies right up there with keeping a diary, pillow talk with your partner, and religious privilege. Fantasies are at the core of the human psyche. They are our Id. They are the driving force behind so much that has been accomplished. Fantasies, I believe, are what set us apart from just about every other critter on the planet. Being able to confront them, see them before our eyes, and thus “out” them makes us healthier in our ability to deal with such ideas in the real world.

Before you sit in judgment on the fantasies of another, look back into your own dark hearts. What fantasies do you have now or have you had that if splashed across the front page of the newspaper would destroy your life? Obviously you never intended to live them out. You cannot control the thoughts that fly through your mind. Only your reaction to these thoughts is within your control.

Otherwise, I am going to have some new policies and rules in my house. No children will be allowed. We will not discuss children. We want to know nothing about children. Since the State has assumed itself to be their primary protector based on my every thought, fantasy, and idea, the let the State finish the job and raise and feed the children as well. It simply is getting too dangerous to be a parent.

Don’t you ever look at your kid and fantasize about the way Homer Simpson applies his trademark stranglehold on his son’s throat? What stopped you – the threat of arrest?

Back to the MarkBlum Report

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