By Mark David Blum, Esq.

I stand at the precipice of a brand new year
Pondering the future. One of tears? Or of cheers?

Is there a course? What is the way?
How can I deal with the dawn of this day?

Those New Year’s promises? Those Resolutions to keep?
It is not very long before I toss them in the heap.

With the dawn of a New Year all ready to pounce
I have decided to resolve; affirm and announce

Instead of the usual fanfare and glee
About the efforts to make a much better me

Instead of the promises that I will make and be broken
To avoid all that depression from failing and chokin`

I got a much better idea. I do. Try it and see.
For just once in your life, try and emulate me.

Do not swear the old oath to change and be better
Swear instead a new oath and be true to each letter.

I do solemnly swear that that my resolutions are NOT
I promise to faithfully follow this lot

I will NOT give up smoking. I cannot and won’t
I will not be stop my swearing; like a sailor in a boat

I am not going to be nice. I refuse to get along.
Just that same old grumpy man; loud as a gong

I will drive as I please, fast and all over the block
Get out of my way and go suck a sock!

I refuse to renounce an iota of my snobbery
And my new rates will be pure highway robbery

Those who depend on me or look up and admire
I will fail you and ignore you; until you grow weary and tire

There will be no free rides, no help and no friends
I would rather suffer diarrhea, syphilis and the bends.

There is no reason to be better and it will NOT be my goal
Improving on perfection is an impossible toll

I refuse and will NOT watch my diet and my weight
How can I otherwise maintain my fine wobbly gait?

I am not going to be thrifty. I will not save a red cent
(Should I actually earn one sometime before Lent).

I am sorry to disappoint you, but these are the facts
No truth and no honor. Don’t even bother to ask

Never. No way. NOT a chance in high hell.
I would rather be punished. Spend a year in a cell

Face it dear friends, these resolutions are true
And if I should break them, it only benefits you.

The one thing I should mention which I almost forgot
I love each and every one of you. The entire motley lot

No need to resolve that, as it is already a fact
Now get out of my face. (How is that for some tact)?