By Mark David Blum, Esq.
It is that time of year again when this evil hearted, child hating, Christian baiting, Jew volunteers his services on behalf of that fat man and his worldwide mission of bringing pleasure to Christian spawn. Specifically, children all over send in their wishes and prayers to the Great and Powerful Claus via U.S. mail and my local post office pawns it off on me.
The irony cannot be lost that responding to such dreams is the offspring of the killer of Christ. Being as busy as he is at this time of year, Santa calls upon some of us to step up and help him get his job done in time. Failure to make timely delivery results in Santa paying substantial late fees. Consequently, people like me were anointed with the privilege and honor of responding to these letters from children to Santa Claus.
Being an honorable man, I try and continue the illusion of Santa actually responding from the North Pole. I designed my own personal ‘from the Desk of Santa Claus’ stationary and letterhead and use it to I write a personal note to each child. In doing so, it is my hope that the magic and dreams that fuel Christian minds are continued at least another year. After all, lose your dreams and you have lost it all.
Pick your jaws up off the floor. There is no contradiction to being a Jew and sharing the spirit of Christmas with others. I see no Christ in Christmas and neither should you.
Congress shall make no law establishing any religion. By operation of the 14th Amendment, this law applies to the States and Local Governments. Hence, no government at any level can act or legislate any activity that endorses or condones or enforces the dogma of any particular belief system. Thomas Jefferson said it was an insurmountable wall separating the State from the Church. Ratified by Congress in 1797, the Treaty of Tripoli says at Article 11 that, "the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.” Some argue we are of a Judeo Christian heritage, but that too is false as those two religions are not on equal footing. Christianity is a cult offspring of Judaism, founded on radical leftist ideology, and ultimately forced upon the European world at the point of a sword. Judaism, on the other hand, is a precious gift from God.
Congress legislated Christmas to be a national holiday. With the exception of skeleton crews and our soldiers in the Middle East, government at all levels shuts down for the day. Businesses close. The post office is sealed tight. An entire nation of all religions takes a day off.
Now, if we assume that no government of the United States would ever sanction a religious holiday, we have to assume that the “Christmas” that legislators had in mind was the Christmas of Santa Claus and Rudolph, of gift giving and office parties, of Mistletoe and Chestnuts. It is very unlikely that this national holiday is intended by design or operation to be a State sponsored celebration of the birth of the Christian messiah.
As much fun and joy as I find in writing letters to children and doing my share to advance the spirit of Christmas, the dark and evil part of me taunts and teases me. At the same time I write pleasant and age appropriate words to a young impressionable mind, I could instead be totally evil and get revenge for more than 2,000 years of oppression.
First of all America’s retailers go it all wrong. Nothing mentioned on any of the 30 something wish lists I reviewed matched a single item seen on television … except for the one child who wished for a PS2 for their parents. Otherwise, it is legos, barbies, erasable pens, and my personal favorite, a hover board from the movie Back to the Future, II.
Generally there is always in the back of my mind the fear that I am going to come across that one letter that rips out my heart. “Please Santa, help Daddy find a job and Mommy to stop taking so many pills.” Such a letter would probably cause me to run over and empty out my bank account.
Fortunately, this year most things seem to be well in the world. There was one letter where a little girl had listed “a bed” on her list. Hopefully she meant a new bed and is not a child going without a bed at all in which to sleep. But, even if she was indeed without any bed at all, it would not be a moving request. Sleeping on the floor in no big deal; I did it for two years. So too did the baby Jesus sleep in a pile of hay in a barn surrounded by animals. If it was good enough for Him, it is good enough for a Cazenovia kid.
Some of the letters are absolute standouts. To the one addressed to “Mr. Santa Claus”; I had to drop everything and give him my primary attention. The kid sure knows how to suck up and will grow up Republican. Clearly an Alex P. Keaton in training; I don’t believe Santa needs such formality. But it never hurts to hurl the accolades. The kid should definitely look into law school.
Even smarter than the Mr. Claus kid was the one who actually sent money along with a wish list. Someone should tell that kid that his little gift messed up Santa’s taxes for the year and the last thing he needed was all the extra paperwork. Besides, the kid must be retarded to think that his 26 cents was enough to get Santa’s attention. Reindeer snot has a better chance. Listen boys and girls, if you want to bribe the Great and Powerful Claus, think lots more zeros. The strippers appreciated the tip. Rest assured he will be hearing from my accountant AND my lawyer.
Then there are the kids who think they can pull a fast one. This Santa found two letters sent by the same kid … on two different dates … did he really think I would not notice? Santa knows all and sees all. As much as I want to zap him a load of coal, Santa was more impressed with the primary item on the wish list. This kid twice begged me … ME, Santa … for a Hover Board as seen in the movie Back to the Future, II. Just who does he think he is? Nobody gets one of those for at least another 20 years; I don’t care how many times you ask. In fact, the more times he asks, the further back on the list his goes.
Can you imagine if Santa actually granted that wish and gave this overly anxious kid a hover board? Since it would be the first one out there, Santa would not be able to keep it a secret any longer. Next year, Santa will be handing out hover boards to every snot nosed whiney complaining kid out there and THAT is the last thing his aching back needs.
One of the kids is perhaps a young Luke Skywalker or Eric Kleibold in training. Ordering the Legos Imperial Death Star Destroyer, Legos Starwars set for the Death Star, Legos starwars for Mac, Legos bricks, “5,000 Legos”, 40 clone Lego storm troopers, 40 Lego droids, 22 Lego light sabers, and Jaba’s Palace Boat. Sounds like this child is well on his way to a career in civil service given how he equips his forces like the former Secretary of Defense. (22 light sabers for 80 soldiers?). I also wonder if anybody has checked who this young Mr. Jamelski may have Lego bricked up in his cellar. “It puts the lotion on the skin ….”
Then there are the humble kids and the ones who draw Santa pretty pictures. Some kids share their lives and question Santa and his doings. One child went so far as to ask if it was true that animals can talk to each other on Christmas Eve. These are the kids who will be taking your orders at Burger King well into their retirement years.
You should know that I did confirm that animals can indeed talk on Xmas eve. I confessed how my reindeer are always yelling at me to quit taking bong hits for Jesus and get a job. But, as for talking animals; I read somewhere animals think that some of them are “better than others”. To me, so long as the meat is tenderized properly, I should be able to enjoy a tasty reindeer feast just before my long winter’s nap. As for bong hits and work … Working one day a year is more than enough. You try traveling at 5x the speed of light for 24 hours stop-go, stop-go, stop-go. See how long you keep off the bong and filing for unemployment.
I did receive a large envelope from an entire class from a local elementary school. Thirty something specific wishes were contained inside ranging from Barbie Dolls to Barbie Dolls. It was apparently a writing lesson and all the children selected ‘good’ or ‘very good’ as their description for the behavior the previous year. One identified the fact that he went to school every day as being his behavior. Good for all of them. The four blank pages in the school’s envelope still befuddle me, but perhaps I can use them for my own wish list. “Santa, I been good. Now, can I PLEASE HAVE next week’s winning lotto numbers?”
One child in the packet from the school included on her list of things she wished for was “help for her to stop sucking her thumb.” As I was reading the letter aloud, Mrs. Claus who was busy doing other things said without thinking … “I wonder what you could suggest as a replacement for sucking her thumb.” I looked at the elves, they looked at me, and we all just bust up laughing. Mrs. Claus still has no idea why. Better she doesn’t.
Lastly, two letters stood out because of what they didn’t say. One little girl’s letter started out, “Dear Santa, I don’t really know what I want for Christmas … can you get something I might like.” My response to her was simple. “Listen Darling, I am kinda busy right now and if you don’t know what you want, how am I supposed to know? Why would you write me a letter saying you want something but don’t know what? Jeezuz H Freekin Christ – make a decision, Bitch!”
My favorite of the whole bunch is the one with five squiggly pencil lines strewn across a piece of scrap paper. Santa knows everything and can easily read between the lines. (The drugs and Ho’s are on the way). Maybe instead Santa should buy the boy a course of Hooked on Phonics.
Ultimately, I never get to say what I sometimes so ache to do. “Dear Billy, Santa is Dead. Jesus Killed him and the Jews Killed Jesus.” Or, you have no idea the temptation to tell kids they will get everything they ever wanted or dreamed of … all they have to do is go into Mommy’s purse, take the credit cards out her wallet, and call Santa with the numbers. You have no idea how many times Santa could have reached out and touched all these children in some very inappropriate ways. In one fell swoop, the damage this Jew could cause a generation of Christian offspring would last until April … when we need their blood to make our matzahs for Passover.
This thing I do every year is fun and I can imagine that one or two children out there really believes that Santa is the naked guy hiding in the bushes outside the kid’s room at night and is going to sneak in and kill everybody in the house.
Believe it or not, this all started and will continue until that one letter does arrive. The letter I always dread but eagerly await … the one where someone really needs someone to step up and help. My kid once wrote such a letter and I intercepted it. Remembering that pain is always the impetus driving me to wait until the that moment that real the spirit of Christmas may just reveal himself.
Good luck with your kids this holiday season. You are going to need it. Only two of the letters actually had requests for others beyond the scribe. There is a generation without empathy out there and I feel that is a dangerous thing. The kid who sent me a quarter and a penny will get his money back with Santa’s encouragement he use it to feed the poor and that he always find ways to give his spare money to the poor and hungry.
If the kid doesn’t give the money to feed the hungry, I told him I would break off my foot in his rectory.
I have also issued the same warning to the real Santa if I don’t get the winning lottery numbers by the end of this month.
