By Mark David Blum, Esq.

(For MC; who whines I don’t write enough humor).

I am really starting to hate the Holiday Inn. Every time I stay at one, the experience is a nightmare. Yet like some stupid ill-trained dog, I manage to keep going back.

They are a decent enough place to stay and they got all the amenities, but over the course of my life, I have had very few good experiences to report … and far too many bad ones. So yeah, if I take a particular harsh attitude toward the chain in general, at least I have disclosed ahead of time that I am biased against them.

My last stay was a disaster as there was all night construction going on at the adjacent parking lot. You know the sounds of all night construction … jackhammers, backup alarms on trucks, tractors scraping. After having been woken repeatedly throughout the night from noise louder than my snoring, all the folks at the front desk could say was, “what do you want us to do about it?” Here is an idea: HOW ABOUT TELLING YOUR CUSTOMERS there is going to be all night construction right outside the rooms where they are trying to sleep.

But my favorite Holiday Inn story takes place at Carrier Circle in Syracuse. By serendipity, I found myself spending the night there. It was no fun. The room was overpriced though it had all the perks. The pool is the size of a puddle of spit and only open from 5-10pm (not that it mattered because they refused me permission to swim naked and I had no bathing suit). All night, the room was stuffy and hot as the bowels of hell with no windows I could open. Every hour, I woke up and turned the air conditioner up another notch and within the hour, I was awake and sweating and getting up … again.

But, that is not the story.

There really is no way to do this story justice other than to just put it out there and let you see it for yourself. I apologize for some of the imagery.

It was late in the evening. I had just spent hours in the shower cleaning off the stench of the road and slime of my work. I knew I was alone in the room. All the lights were turned off and I was enjoying the quiet and peace.

I walked out of the bathroom and was drying off … when out of the corner of my eye, I swore I saw a reflection in the mirror that something in the room had just moved. No. I know I saw something move. I walk out into the darkened room and nothing. Nobody. It all is as I left it. On went the lights and I scanned every nook and cranny and saw nobody or nothing amiss.

Off went the lights and I returned to the bathroom area and drying off and goddammit, something out in the room just moved again. Again it was something out of the corner of my eye. I wrapped a towel around my waist and went out and looked again and there was nothing. I KNOW that I was not crazy. Something moved in my room. Yet … I saw nothing. The window was only cracked about an inch and was blocked and nobody could crawl in or out through that space. It was impossible there was anybody in that room other than me. I was really freaking out.

I went back into the bathroom to finish what I started, and dammit, something moved again. I saw its’ shadow. I ran out into the room; and there it was. A bat; flying around in circles in my room. Diving for cover, I crawled into the bathroom, grabbed my jeans and threw them on, snatched the first shirt I could find (which was my suit jacket) and ran out the door and down the hallways to the front desk.

Now, I am dressed in jeans with no shoes or socks wearing a suit jacket with no shirt. I am disheveled from a shower and panting from the run down the hallways … and I come to the front desk and say

THERE IS A BAT IN MY ROOM

What?

THERE

IS

A

BAT

IN

MY

ROOM

… and I proceed to fill them in on yet another fascinating life experience at the Holiday Inn.

Well, the desk clerk gets on the hand radio and summons’ help. The middle aged maintenance guy meets me at the desk carrying, and I swear this is true, a long handled mop. He brought it as a weapon to defend against the bat. He had a pillow case for capture and transport of the critter.

Off we went. Two warriors intent on taking back captured American soil from the evil Empire. We came to the room door; him in front and me crouching behind. He opened the door and we snuck on in … slowly, desperately searching the room for the killer bat. Five feet inside the room, I quickly crawled off to the side and quickly hid from view things not to be seen.

Nothing was moving. Hero Maintenance Man began turning on all the lights and then suddenly …

From behind the dresser …

The bat ATTACKED!

It launched itself haphazardly into the air showing its great aerial clumsiness, managed to near miss everything in the room. Maintenance man is swinging the mop and I am flat on the floor crawling back toward the bathroom.

I hear a thud, a crash, and am given the all-clear. Peeking out, I see the bat is down and bagged and the room is declared ‘safe’.

And within two minutes, both bat and man disappeared into that good night.