By Mark David Blum, Esq.

I knew from the moment he announced his first official act, that Dan O’Hara was the wrong guy to head up the Great New York State Fair. Pledging to dredge up a decaying New Jersey has-been rocker as the opening act of his tenure as Director, raised more than just a brow.

Twice now, he has crossed the line.

First, he institutes a smoking ban. This year, he is starting with the cigarette vendors; of which there were seven sandwiched between hundreds of sausages, deep fried everything, and beer tents. Next, they designate “smoking permitted areas” amid all that stench of human garbage and rotting cow manure. Finally, it will be declared that the Fairgrounds and the event itself is forever to be ‘Smoke Free’. Pastor Neimoiller would be rolling in his grave if there was anybody left to speak up. Of course, I recognize the desires of folks to be pollutant free as they move about the dusty grounds. Nobody should be compelled to ingest a toxin against their will. Being healthy and setting a model of “Healthy New York” is indeed a good thing.

But now Dan O’Hara has completely blown his Bloomin’ Onion. He has implemented a mandatory shoes, mandatory shirts, and mandatory random police searches of RVs. His justification is to make the Fair more ‘family friendly’. How one thing correlates to the other eludes even my high fallutin edumacation. Someday we will hear his not religious, non self righteous rationalization.

I am an icon at the Fair. Everybody there knows me; from my ‘Trust Me, I’m a Lawyer’ t-shirt to my Jim Morrison shorts, to my bare feet. At times yes, I have even taken off my shirt. The Fair is my vacation spot and the vacation spot of many tens of thousands like me. If my vehicle or those of fellow campers contain private libations legal in the State of New York, then absent probable cause or other legal basis to do so, the random police searches intended are going to get Dan sued and the State Police sued. Make sure he includes that liability in his upcoming proposed budget.

In response, let me propose a couple solutions to Dan’s tampering with human liberty. First of all, I propose a TUBE TOP TUESDAY. Wear your flip flops, tube tops (the smaller and tighter the better), and your speedos. *Guys, don’t forget the tube socks to stuff the package. Perhaps someone who will print up DAN O’HARA HAS GOT TO GO tube tops for the five biggest bellies to hang out.

Also, Dan forgets that within the Fairgrounds is what is touted as being “New York’s smallest State Park.” If I understand the law as it applies to State Parks, women (and vicariously, men too) are allowed to go topless in all State Parks. There is no ban or law against that. Instituting one would require an act of the Legislature. Consequently, we should have a Weekend Warrior Wednesday where all those who oppose Dan O’Hara and his stupid ideologies can cram into the tiny State Park, strip off our tops and flash our man and women boobs at the titmouse seated in the Director’s office. That park is right next to the State Police exhibit and will require the State Police to stand that wall and protect the topless from Fair security which might lack jurisdiction. Such a conundrum.

Is Mr. O’Hara so far gone from reality that he opines bare feet or bare chests are offensive or harmful to children? Is a bare beer belly any more disgusting than a spandex packed exploding derriere? Rules such as those being implemented by Mr. O’Hara are commonplace in Iran but should not be at the New York State Fair. If the State Fair represents all of New York, then it has to include us ugly low class white trash who enjoy the few simple joys in life like walking barefoot and shirtless on a hot summer day.

There is a fundamental difference in being a leader and being an idiot. A leader has a great idea and motivates those around him to follow. No compulsion is required. No crucifixion of the guilty nor awaiting hell for those who refuse to go along. Honorable and true leadership does not wrap itself in the flag, pander to nanny-staters, or act as though they are my mother or father and can dictate how I as a free adult, can live my life.

Let us also not forget the hypocrisy of it all. In a place famous for its lard of all shapes, sizes, tastes, colors, and formats, cigarettes are the least dangerous item on the fairgrounds. Less than that are bare feet and chests. More dangerous than anything are random police searches and seizures of private abodes of American citizens.

Since Mr. O’Hara is so damned concerned about our physical and moral health, then he should set the cost of admission based on weight and appearance. So too should Strates Shows. Pretty skinny white people with lots of pretty white skinny kids get in free. Additionally, a tax should be levied on all products that can if used as intended, potentially cause health problems for the user. This should surely encourage a much healthier clientele.

Boiled down to its greasy drippings; if Dan O’Hara is not quickly removed as Director of the Fair, by 2008, the venue’s official title will be The Great Un Fair New York State. This is not the image the People and Syracuse want to share with the world.