By Matthew A. Comini

Sadly enough, there are no cowboys left. These great rough men of the past have turned over the reigns to increasingly more soft generations of boys who will never become men, at least not men like they were. The old cowboy has been put on the shelf of legends where he will collect dust into eternity; his role now only the occasional centerpiece of entertainment.

A cowboy, as allowed for in Webster’s definition is, “one having qualities (as recklessness, aggressiveness, or independence) popularly associated with cowboys: as a: a reckless driver b: a business or businessperson operating in an uncontrolled or unregulated manner.” What? The gun slinging, horse riding, Indian fighting, cattle roping bar room bashing, whoring, dusty chapped, grizzled chin having, sleeping out under the stars rough and tumble man of the trail can be now compared to a crooked businessman? Do you see what I’m saying yet? There are no cowboys, just weak excuses left.

Kids nowadays don’t have much adventure left in them. “X” whatever has sucked their brains near dead. I know a 15 year old who claims to experience gaming withdrawals. Gaming withdrawals! It makes me near livid to think that the kid honestly believes he can’t function unless he plays video games for at least three hours a day. He’s only one of many that won’t clamor to learn something new like driving a nail, picking up a fishing pole, or even hygiene. Go outside? Oh my God what a foreign thought that is! No wonder they are all pasty, unconditioned and asthmatic. I have access to over one-hundred acres of land for my own kids to explore and yet they exist in only ten square feet. Yah, yah, I know, I’m part of the problem too because I don’t force them outside as often as I should.

These kids think they can fight too because they watch anime characters like those on Naruto. I’ve seen them walking around making martial arts moves like they think they could defend themselves in a fight because they saw a cartoon make some queer blocking moves. A cowboy would have put a slug in these kids just out of shear annoyance, and I honestly would not have been able to hold it against him. Naw, maybe not, he more than likely would have simply stabbed them in the leg I reckon, gone back to swilling his whiskey and a bad hand of poker, but I still wouldn’t have held it against him. Bullets were too costly and hard to come by at times. And, rather than the kid drawing his own defense, he would have threatened to sue, because that’s what we do now. Lawyers settle disputes and kids know that.

They also seem to know that nothing is their fault. Our litigious society tells them this. We are the consummate victims. “I’m not fat because I have no will power, sit around playing video games, eat supersized triple quad cheeseburgers and a mound of fries large enough to feed an entire Irish family during the Potato Famine days…for a week! I’m fat because Mickey D’s and BK tricked me.”

Ummmm, bull@$^*!

I’m sorry, did I just say that? My apologies.

Anyhow, I seem to have strayed off on a tangent but I’m back now…maybe. Where was I? Oh yah, cowboys. Got it.

Now it is sure to be said that there still are some true, genuine to the core cowboys in the sense that there are still true, genuine herds of cows to move about ranches, but their old time spirit is simply no longer present. Occasionally we will catch a glimpse of some cowboy action on the silver screen, and our hearts will twitter a bit. Hell, we might even go out and buy ourselves a horse that we’ll more than likely wrap way too much money up in and never ride after the first six months, but that cowboy spirit of legend we were trying to capture would likely just find us on a couch in a shrinks office, a seat in sensitivity training, or a stint in jail just about as quick as we could draw a six-iron in today’s world.

Brokeback Mountain you ask? Don’t even get me started! Even in his grave I bet the Duke upchucked a little every time that flick won an award. We can’t even make a cowboy movie anymore without it being…well, how should I say this…less than what one might expect of the once legendary whore mongers that the genuine articles used to be? Cowboys in love, okay, I can deal with that, so long as it is maybe with women, but when the only back breaking going on is in a tent with two cowboys and some sheep, dude, we have issues! God I pray, spare me even the thought of Gus and Call swapping spit and grunting like two heated pigs on the porch.

(Damn, I think I just gave myself the piss willies! There are some things a guy should never even have to ponder.)

For example, the characters in Lonesome Dove could not have made it in today’s world. They had grit, guts and pistols. We have excuses, therapy, and Prozac. It’s what the world has succumbed to. Okay, maybe just America, but after all, we are the most influential nation on the planet, so it’s not such a hard stretch to say the world, or okay, I’ll say it like this, America and the rest of the world shortly thereafter.

I’m sidetracked again, but nearing the end so I’ll just wrap it up now with some legal jargon to prove there lies in me the spark and tiny shred of an old time cowboy's gambling spirit in me, so here goes:

The author of this response does not himself possess any ill will for tough guys, gay cowboys, teen age boys or even Merriam-Webster. In fact he may even like tough guys, just not teenage boys with X boxes and gay cowboys. In the same token he is neither implying nor denying that he enjoys cheeseburgers and fries. What he really should be doing is quitting while he is ahead rather than rambling, but he is not the brightest bulb in the shed. He is all too aware that he just bastardized two clever adages and did a poor job of it at that. The author is not a proponent of violence in games or in whoring, he just wishes that men could act a bit more like men rather than little whining boys like he himself reverts to quite often. Perhaps, as he suggests, he is part of the problem, however due to legal constraint he is unable at this time to accept the blame due to a possible mental disorder. This response may cause drowsiness. If you are pregnant, nursing, or wish to become pregnant please consult a physician, but do not contact the author because he may be with a sheep.