By Mark David Blum, Esq.

(I received an email from a client who wanted published an essay of his experiences going through a divorce. To a certain extent we agreed but not without editing and inserting our own commentaries and explanations. No doubt many of you wish you could say the same things to your own attorneys).

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, how do I love thee, divorce lawyer, let me count the ways ... and why have I given thee so much money thus far?

Answer: Dear Client, if you recall our original agreement was for a very small amount and if not for the constant badgering of your soon-to-be Ex, her lawyer, and the “system”, there would have been very little time and cost involved.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, Look, do not misconstrue what I am saying here. I love my lawyer like the retarded redheaded step uncle I never had. He’s had my back from day one, and kept a position of defense rather than offense in my case, but damn, had the ex Mrs. Me “womaned” up, I never would have had to have had the pleasure of making him an acquaintance and putting him on the payrolls. The money could have been spent on the kids or making this house of ours into a better home. Never mind what the ex has spent twice now in attempt to take me down with her.

Answer: Dear Client, as I said … It Ain’t Me, Babe. I agree. Every dime spent on lawyers is one less dime available for yourselves and your family. Some lawyers look at a divorce, like an estate, as a carcass to be picked clean. Though some may roll their eyes, all my clients know that I do all I can to keep their costs down.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, the whole thing is ridiculous. In round one, she used a public defender. Yup, hard earned and unwell spent tax dollars were used to defend a female philanderer and the cuckold she shacks up with. Paints a nasty picture, no? I can not speak with certainty on what the dismissal of her grievance against me cost in time, tax revenue, and effort that could have been utilized much more effectively elsewhere, but assuredly lawyers, even public defenders do not come cheap. Not to mention the judge’s salary and time spent to simply say, “My apologies, deary, you made your bed, you wrote the contract of separation yourself, live with your decision.”

Answer: Dear Client, even the sleaziest amongst us are entitled to lawyers in court. Some counties provide counsel for family court; others do not. Jefferson County is one of those that do and we should all be thankful that our tax dollars are being spent on such a project. It does protect the weakest amongst us. The fact that the Public Defender bobbled yours Mrs.’ case and made a legal mess of the entire situation, speaks more to his/her skill set than any malice.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, OK, after her Family Court attempt proved fruitless, she ran off and hired herself a loud mouth self proclaimed big shot: again a miserable waste of resources that could have been used to do something good for the kids or give them a better place to rest their heads at night. My ex’s lack of conviction leaving me in the position of defense, costing me more greenbacks that I could better employ elsewhere.

Answer: Dear Client, I understand your frustration. What should have been a quick and easy divorce based on a contract your own Mrs. drafted and negotiated, has turned into a legal quagmire. As you rightly note, the only thing that changed was that your Mrs. hired an attorney who is pressuring you to change the terms of your contract and is using attrition as leverage. I wholly concur the money should be used for your children.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, I am tired of Southwest Asia, leaving rationality behind, and risking my life so as to keep my financial neck above the waterline, the head of my babies under a decent roof and their bellies full.

Answer: Dear Client, shut up and eat the dust. You signed up for this, quitcher bitching now that you have to do the job. Frankly, life for you ain’t all that bad; be thankful the only “incoming” are subpoenas.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, a crotchety old higher paid judge of even more authority told the ex, her attorney, my attorney, and me, essentially to, “Shut up, go away, solve this, I am sick of seeing you and your lawyers lock horns like rams in heat!” I’m not sure if his ‘roids were killing him that day, his wife turned him down the night prior, if there wasn’t enough whiskey in his coffee that morning, or if he truly did earn the rank of the baddest mofo’ in the garbs, but dude, I was like, “Wow!” That guy was severe and to the point. It being, there is no sense in you wasting my time when this matter can very well be handled without filling your heads with hopes of greener pastures yet again, and paying the pence so that you may have a battleground on which to slash at one another because your prides are absorbing more damage than your egos are able to sustain.

Answer: Dear Client, the Judge was right. You and your Mrs. had worked out the issues once before, so there is no reason for you not to be able to work them out yourselves. It is standard practice for a Court to tell litigants that whatever decision the Court is thinking of, neither side is going to like it. This is a good tactic to force people to settle what they should have settled long ago. So as to maintain an aura of impartiality, the Judge will not single anybody out and spread the blame. True professionals understand the Court’s motives and honorable attorneys know that the Court knows who is the real screw up amongst counsel.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, it took me a day or two in order to digest the Judge’s message. I called the ex Mrs. to ask her, “Hey, baby, what is it you really want from me?” I explained to her that the judge, though rough as he was, made perfect sense. There is no point in the two of us paying to settle matters and continue attempts to grieve and belittle one another when, as husband and wife, we did that quite efficiently without attorneys. Within a day, we had reached an accord, presented it to her lawyer, who was in turn expected to present it to mine.

Answer: Dear Client, that is a wonderful thing and the ultimate goal of the system. I hope the deal was to your satisfaction. Believe you me I much prefer you keep your own money (so you can use it to hire me later as I like to bleed folks slowly).

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, it never happened. Her lawyer never forwarded our second negotiated agreement to my lawyer.

Answer: Dear Client, why does this surprise you?

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, I am only left to surmise that her attorney is either possibly similarly afflicted as the judge, or that she harbors much ill will towards my lawyer for the many times he professionally reminded her that, “you messed with the wrong guy.” I am fairly certain that rather than taking into consideration the wishes of her client and the defendant to settle, she chose to pad her pockets fat with the funds that should, again, have been used to make things better for their children.

Answer: Dear Client, from what I know about your lawyer, she thinks she is the top dog in her tiny kennel and tends to prevail by nagging, annoying, pestering, making misstatements and arguably misrepresentations, being untrustworthy and being obnoxious beyond words. The day she ran into your lawyer was the day all her behavior became meaningless and tactics worthless and instead she was going to have to use the law and facts to actually advance her causes. So long story short, your ex’s lawyer is probably not a happy girl. As far as padding her fat pockets; some things speak for themselves. The problem is that no judge will take a stand against her and put an end to it.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, I can hear my ex’s lawyer telling her not to take the second deal because “he’s just trying to screw you and we can stick it to him instead and in the end I’ll leave him without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I even promise to make him pay for all of this and then some.” “Oh, and by the way, I’ll require another x amount of money.” They always know when to get you.

Answer: Dear Client, unfortunately there are indeed lawyers out there who find ways to create work and take advantage of folks.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, this entire matter is nothing but a shakedown. It’s an attempt to fleece me, possibly, but regardless, the ex and I both will be had of our hides one way or the other.

Answer: Dear Client, you know in your heart this is no shake down; at least not from your lawyer. Yes, your ex is shaking you down for more money and her lawyer is gambling you are going to pay the lawyer’s fees. But your lawyer has done nothing but live up to his promises and keep your costs way down.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, not so many years ago I was a struggling Corporal, far away in the Middle East, and even with the second job I had over there shelving books at the FOB library, my family still needed food stamps and WIC in order to make ends meet. It was hurtful and embarrassing to me to be on the public dole. Since then, I have smashed my nose to the grindstone so hard that I have drawn blood, both figurative and literal. Wrapped in stars and stripes, I have been ugly, cursed, decried, and damaged, but I made something of myself. Even though I have lost pieces of me in places I still shudder to think of, I have pulled my remnants together and turned them into something solid. I have made bounds forward because of my drive. It matters not now. I see the writing on the wall; the shakedown I was speaking of.

Answer: Dear Client, you are to be commended and applauded for your successes and how far you have climbed. One thing military service teaches you is the that your limits and tolerances are far greater than you thought. If you crawled out of the mud once, you can do it again.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, some things just don’t sit well with me, and that is one of them. Someday, somewhere, someplace, sometime, I can only hope that a greater power than myself will allow me to introduce some folks to my world. They need to know the hurt on both ends of the barrel, the dismal feel of hot gun metal, the splaying of flesh, the broken heart, and the dismantling of a life they wanted so badly that it put them behind the trigger in the first place.

Answer: Dear Client, bite your tongue. Nobody should ever have to fire a weapon in anger or defense.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, “Bring lawyers guns and money,” goes the verse of an old tune I know. “Hang the dirty lawyers, save the guns for the real enemies, and spend your money on anything other than divorce,” is what I say.

Answer: Dear Client, I couldn’t agree more … but hey, I got to eat too. Much of the blame for all of this belongs in the laps of the Legislature.

Question: Dear Mr. Divorce Lawyer, that crotchety old judge was right, despite whatever his underlying reasons or method of delivery may have been. Matters of life should be handled by the parties concerned. No law, no case, no past precedent, no shady attorney will ever afford two people the same satisfaction as that of coming to terms on their own. Twice now, the ex and I came to accord, but an attorney conned her into the idea of “big easy money.” Big easy money is a ploy, only bitterness, regret, and well fed lawyers are the reality.

Answer: Dear Client, true that.